I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
