turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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