I can text with my tongue
I looked at my own cervix.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
