i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
