just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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