I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
