dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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