how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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