so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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