I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
