So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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