Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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