This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
