It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
