Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
