I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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