ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A+ Viking dick
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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