I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
