well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
