I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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