Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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