I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
