im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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