Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if only i could text you this smell
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
