I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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