I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
