Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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