I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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