I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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