Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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