i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
