hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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