you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
