I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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