she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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