my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
