I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
