On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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