Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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