Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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