No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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