also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
