Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
