True but thats because hes a fetus.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
