Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
