I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
