I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Four minutes until I can fart!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
