If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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