How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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