This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
