Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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