The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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