Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
