The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
