What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
