3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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