my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
