ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
