If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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